Christmas preparations can be a busy time, particular as Christmas day approaches…
My gift to Elderly dementia clients and their families is…
“I wish you the wisdom, acceptance, love and peace that the experience of this loving son caring for his mother with dementia developed.”
(Apologies for his American spelling.)
As busy as you are…please take 5 minutes to read this touching story.
It’s a helpful reminder that carers still have choices.
This article was written by Bob Demarco, an American gentleman who cared for his Mother. His Mother lived with dementia and he founded the Alzheimer’s Reading Room.
It is very difficult to understand and comprehend that people living with Alzheimer’s or a dementia are deeply forgetful.
The holidays can be a very difficult time for Carers who care for people living with Alzheimer’s disease or a type of dementia. At times, they can feel sad during a time that is festive and joyful on Christmas or Hanukkah.
The thing is… We actually get to choose whether we are happy and sad.
In the first few years, instead of Christmas being a happy day for me and my Mom it turned into a day of sadness.
I would go to great lengths to get my Mom a bunch of small gifts and wrap them. A watch, a bracelet, earrings and some nice cloths. Then much to my chagrin she showed very little reaction while unwrapping the gifts. This broke my heart.
After a few years, I finally realized it was not about me – it was about my Mom.
It was up to me to find a way to make it a happy and special time for her, not the other way around. Once I had found my way into the Alzheimer’s World, I realized that my Mom was deeply forgetful.
She just didn’t know it was Christmas. She forgot. She was nothing more than deeply forgetful.
I decided it was up to me to find a way to make Christmas Day, and the Christmas Season meaningful to her. The result – I stopped being heartbroken.
1. On Christmas Eve
I took my Mother downtown to see the 100 foot tall Christmas tree that was there every year in Delray Beach, Florida. She was always mesmerized by the gigantic size of the tree. She just couldn’t believe her eyes.
Afterwards, I took her for a ride on the old carousel which is adjacent to the tree.
On other nights, we drove around in my car and visited the Christmas light displays. After a while, I learned it was a good idea to get out of the car and let my Mother have a good look at her favourite light displays. Lo and behold, people approached us and start a conversation with my Mother. She eventually turned into a well-0socialized person. This proves conclusively that people living with Alzheimer’s are perfectly capable of socializing and they enjoy speaking to people.
(Residents of Cambage Court, Davidson, have invited Elders to their 95,000 light display and choirs.)
2. I Learned How to Buy Christmas Gifts that Dotty Liked
I had to think about it for a while but my Mom, Dotty really liked those stuffed animals that sing and dance. You know the kind where you press a button on their hand or foot and they spring into action.
The best one ever was bought by my Sister, Joanne. It was Snoopy dressed-up as Santa Claus. Not only did Snoopy sing a Christmas song, he danced. Well, actually he shook and moved around a bit. I wrapped it back up, each and every year, and Mom never seemed to notice. We did use it throughout the year and she loved it every time. Around November I would put it into storage for a while so she had a break from interacting with the toy.
Baby dolls work like a champ as well, as an alternative to a toy that sings and dances.
3. What to Eat
I finally learned that cooking all day long to make a feast for Christmas was an exercise in futility when it came to Mom. So I asked myself what does she like to eat most, and what will make her happy?
There were 2 answers for this question. Philly Cheese steak and Linguine with white clam sauce.
Our favourite Italian restaurant was not open on Christmas day. But our favourite cheese steak place was so away we went.
We also visited the giant Ginger Bread House downtown. Can you imagine a real 1,400 pound Ginger Bread House? And yes, it mesmerized Dotty.
Sadly, we don’t have that anymore here in Delray Beach, but what we do have is the Gingerbread House Decorating contest on December 21. If Dotty was still with us, we would have to check that out.
If you are going out, turn it into an adventure. Do you complain you never go out? I did. Then I finally realized that I could live my life if I helped Dotty to live her life. You actually start meeting interesting people when you get out in the world. Don’t worry, they will come to you – or I should say the person that is deeply forgetful.
4. Okay Let’s Get Down to the Basics
People living with dementia are deeply forgetful. Nothing more, nothing less. They are still capable of having fun. It is up to you to identify what it is they like to do.
The deeply forgetful are still capable of being mesmerized. Go find a giant tree and let them look at it. Take them outside and let them look at the clouds (Dotty thought the clouds looked like dogs every single time – go figure, maybe she was trying to tell me she wanted a dog?).
What kind of food makes a person, who is deeply forgetful happy? One thing for sure – ice cream. Go get some ice cream and turn the entire trip into an adventure. What flavour? Dotty liked every flavour.
Once you start to understand that a person living with dementia is forgetful you might just get into a mode of helping them and not making it about you and how you feel when they can’t remember something.
It really is about what you can do to help them feel happy and connected to the world. You might start by asking yourself: who, what, when, where, why and how.
5. Lastly
Perhaps you are thinking or feeling that a person living with Alzheimer’s or a dementia condition is a person who is deeply forgetful and is no longer capable of loving you. I think you are wrong. Here is why.
When you go out or you are away from you Loved One, do they constantly ask where you are? Do they get angry if you leave them alone? Obviously, this is an expression of emotion, isn’t it?
Does it seem like they can’t live without you? I bet it does. If so, there is only one conclusion that you can come to:
I hope this loving son’s story has been helpful and it has reminded you to “Go easy and enjoy this Christmas”
I would love to hear your experience of what makes a lovely Christmas Day for a Loved One who is living with dementia.
You can share your experience by leaving a comment at the bottom of this page.
Don’t worry your email address is never published plus, you don’t have to complete the website address field!
Warmly
Kate
Kylie Lambert B.Ec F Fin
(known to her friends for 25 years as Kate)
Daughterly Care CEO, Co-Founder and Owner
I bought some ‘real’ shortbread and a couple of oranges to the lady I care for. The oranges she had been buying had thick skin and were quite dry. She felt quite special and it gave me pleasure to give them to her.
It’s always the personal touches like that Valerie that mean so much. How lucky we are to have you as a Caregiver. We appreciate you haring. Enjoy your Christmas.
My adorable client has STML but with encouragement, prompting and direction, we have made mini fruit cakes the last 2 weeks. With the fruit and alcohol stewing and stirring over a week followed by lining the tins, mixing the dry ingredients with flour and spices, mixing the eggs, oil and orange juice we all played a part in stirring mixing and smelling the concoction to the final laying of the macadamia nuts on top. What a delight it was to watch then brown through the oven window. The smell drifted throughout the entire house. They cooled overnight and in the morning we wrapped them in alfoil and glad wrap topping them with stickers of the ingredients. These will be taken away on holiday with her family. Of course we’ll have one to ourselves as the days go by and enjoy with a cuppa feeling very proud of the memory leading up to Xmas Joy.
I love how your baking took several days Wendy. It would have been something to make the Christmas ‘season’ extra special. Activities like this are delightful as you can talk about the anticipation, the actual activity and them the memory of it for time to come. Just perfect. How lucky she is to have you with her. Thanks for sharing Wendy and have a memorable Christmas.
Wendy, what a wonderful Live In care Caregiver you are. You are not just cooking with the client, you are enabling the client to do a joyful activity. I know you will have been positive and encouraging to the client. She will be feeling good self esteem from accomplishing the cooking task and from being able to contribute to the family holiday she is going on. Her family will tell her how delicious they are and what a wonderful cook she is…more self esteem, more joyful living! Merry Christmas Wendy.
On Wednesday evening I took my client and two of her friends for a drive through Avalon and Palm Beach to look at the Christmas lights, stopping at Palm Beach to watch the sunset. It was so good to see her interact with her friends and constantly pointing and saying look there’s another one, can you get closer
What a wonderful thing to do Tina. Those types of activities have a lovely effect of everyone involved. Have a great Christmas and thanks so much for sharing.
Tina, that’s such a wonderful thing to do… to make it easy for your client to spend a nice time together with friends. Caring for a client in a way that includes their friends is such a blessing.
Dear Kate,
I would just like to share what I have been finding very helpful with the client that I am currently visiting. My client’s sister brought over a song book and I sang from there. It was very rewarding to see that my client wanted to hold the book and appeared to be staring at the words. My client even attempted to vocalise and seemed very happy whilst we sang. It was most rewarding. Being a musician myself, I am aware just how effective music can be in evoking memories.
With sincere regards, Christine
Thanks for sharing Christine. Music is a very powerful way of connecting to people living with dementia. I’m so glad you are both enjoying music during your visits.
By tapping into a reference point it would trigger this lady’s happy memories and thus enables you to engage with her by opening a whole new world. To be still and to share, helps us communicate. People living with dementia have not lost that intrinsic ability to enjoy. Each person has their particular reference point and it is up to us (the carer or family member) to discover it. Bravo Robin!
Well said Toni. To effectively care for a person living with dementia it’s up to us to find those active elements we can shine a light on so communication can be enjoyed by everyone. Thanks so much for sharing.
Hello Toni C
You have explained that very well. Carers and Caregivers are like “emotional and brain detectives”…discovering what the reference points are. I get disappointed when I hear ignorant people “write off’ people with dementia with expressions like “ga ga” where as you know from your years of experience that people with dementia have not lost their intrinsic ability to enjoy – it’s our fascinating job to find the way into their abilities and memories and to find what triggers joy for someone with memory loss. Thanks for sharing Toni and I hope you had a warm and connected Christmas with your family.
Dear Christine,
That is really lovely that you sing with the client. Elders, even with dementia, enjoy reading. The client is trying to sing with you which is great for the client’s brain. Well done for making your time together special.
My 89 yr old client talked a lot about her mother and how she would always have huge sprays of Christmas bush on the Christmas table and around the lounge room. So for Christmas I brought along some branches of Christmas bush, and together we made sprays for the table and put the rest in vases around the lounge room. Betty was so happy to see it, she just sat in a lounge chair and smiled and smiled.
Thanks for sharing Robin. It’s amazing how those ‘personalised’ touches can have such a wonderfully big impact on people. Thank you for putting so much heart into your work.
Hello Robin,
That’s active listening backed up with thoughtful action. A wonderful way to tap into older happy memories that you knew would mean so much to your client. Bless you for caring enough about the client to go out of your way to bring those Christmas Bush branches to the service. That’s above and beyond. What a blessing you were to your client that Christmas.
My Client was always very active in the family Xmas when it came to, presents and food. I bought her a Xmas apron she can wear when anxious about making food to take to family for Xmas. We have been making things in the morning like a cooling fruit punch and minted fruit salad so she feels she is contributing something, even though we eat it on the day. We pick the mint in the herb garden and she mainly pulps the passionfruit as it doesn’t require a knife once cut. We went to a weekend market and bought some cards and presents. I wrote on the cards for the friends and family I knew would visit and probably give her something. I had her practice signing her name ‘Love …….’, on a piece of paper and then onto the cards and sealing them. A small thing but she felt accomplished……
Hello Jackie
That sounds like a lovely way to enable the client to engage with the Christmas Spirit and to be able to ‘give’ to her family and friends, which is what Christmas is all about. The client’s self-esteem would have been high from participating in ‘giving’ of Christmas. Well done Jackie.